A Good Reminder!!

Life has been a bit crazy the last few weeks. We have been getting ready for school, Mackenzie is starting college, Jacob is in 11 grade, My dear husband is back to work at the college (I love watching him and Kenzie head out the door every morning together!!) and we also received the sad/happy news that the littles are heading back home to be with their mother. I say sad/happy because it depends what end of the story you are on!
It really is a success story. One of the reasons we have foster care is to keep little ones safe but also to give the family the supports they need so that everyone can be reunited again. We have been able to be a part of this work, but I can not lie, our hearts are broken and we will have to take some time to heal and move forward.
That being said we have been blessed with a great feeling of peace and comfort that I know comes from our Father in Heaven. It is a miracle and I am grateful... it doesn't take away the sadness, but it does allow me to know that all is well.

Now the other reason I am posting today...
I received a comment on one of my posts wondering if I might be suffering from depression.
At first I just closed my computer and felt embarrassed that someone I don't know would think this. I wondered about my posts and have given it some real thought. 
I decided to publish the comment (still not sure why I have to approve each comment but I do) and I also want to share some of my thoughts!

First, I am grateful that he had the courage to bring it to my attention. We seem to have a hard time talking about depression and all mental illness. But it is an illness. I am pretty sure that my family and friends wouldn't have any trouble telling me to go to the doctor if they thought my arm was broken  or that I need antibiotics. Yet we do seem to tippy toe around this issue of  mental illness.

After Jacob was born I did struggle with depression- maybe postpartum, maybe from having my hopes and dreams shattered, maybe from complete exhaustion, both physically and mentally or maybe a combination of all of the above. I remember being in the passenger's seat of our van with my dear family driving over a crazy, scary pass in the mountains. I put my head against my window looking down at the great drop off, one I find quite terrifying today, and thought 
"hmm if we just slipped off the edge I wouldn't be so tired anymore."
I didn't want to grab the wheel and make this happen, but I think you can agree that this was not a healthy thought. 
I am grateful that I had both family and friends that could see that I was sliding and struggling and helped me to get the medical help I needed. I was able see my doctor and get the medication I needed and the counselling I needed to help bring me out of that scary place.
For me, I was able to eventually come off of the antidepressants and stay off them. I know that this doesn't happen for everyone, but that is not weakness.  I believe that my depression was from the circumstances that I was in. It felt to me that the medication brought me out a great hole to level ground. I was then able to deal with my emotions around what had happened and to find my purpose again. I will be forever grateful that the medication was there to bring me to that point.
Not all depression is the same. Some will need to be treated a lot longer then mine did. Some will need to be treat for life. I wish that we could all see this as okay. I have a dear friend who takes medication every day to help her regulate her insulin levels. I would never tell her or expect her to "toughen up" and try to do it on her own. That would be absurd! Yet it seem that the goal with mental illness is get off of the meds no matter what the circumstances... Why?

I remember sitting at at a friends house playing games. The topic of depression came up and the mother of one of my friends said to another woman her same age, "I wish I had known I could have used depression as an excuse when we were having children." they both laughed. Maybe incidences like this make us think that we should feel less than others, weak, foolish or  that it is all just in our heads- it is not!
I can guarantee that neither one of these ladies had ever suffered from depression. It is not something that can be laughed away, snapped out of, nor is it an excuse. I don't even know what that means. It is real. It takes the proper help to deal with it and it is an illness, just like diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, heart disease... and it can and does kill. 
We need to take it seriously and never make someone living with it feel that if they would just do ABC and D they could get themselves over it. 

Now that all being said, I am confident that I am not suffering from depression at this time. I have had a few hard days that I have shared, I am very sad that our lives are being affected by these crazy changes right now, but I do feel great peace, hope and comfort. .
I also need to remember to share more of the happy days. But my goal is always to be real. Sometimes I can get off of reading facebook posts and blog posts and feel like I must be doing something wrong cause my life just doesn't seem to be as rosy as everyone else's. Is that just me?
My life is messy, it is messy and crazy, it is sometimes hard, and there are days I just want to run away to a little cabin just outside of some cute little country town, where I can bike in for some groceries that I can put into my little basket on the front of my bike, where my back yard is the ocean, where I can sit on my little adirondack chair sipping peppermint tea, watching the sunset and listening to the waves roll in... (hmm one might think I have given this some thought..)
But I love my life! I love all that I am learning. I love knowing that I can do hard things- I don't always like to, but I know that I can! I love that I have been blessed with an incredible family, amazing friends, my health, a beautiful part of the world to call home and the knowledge that I am loved and that I am enough! Life is Good! 

I hope that you have a GOOD day! I plan to!

And thank you Bryan!

You Can't BE SERIOUS?? REALLY?

Warning: This post is about to get personal. 

I can not share what I have been learning without exposing one of my weaknesses.  I wish I could, but it is just not possible, so here it goes...

I will just come right out and say it, I am a clutter-aholic.  I have spent the last 20 years of my life struggling with trying to keep my house clean. It is true. It has been a crazy struggle! I have tried making lists- OH the trees that have been sacrificed on my behalf, I have tried following blogs and getting an email a day to help me know where to start (you can imagine how well that worked), I have read books, I have asked friends to share their secrets and I have even gotten CRANKY!... It all ended the same way. Clutter and mess!

I have spent hours cleaning only to start again with just as much mess as when I began!

I have cringed when someone has come to the door unannounced and apologized for the mess. I have invited people over just so I would have a deadline to get it all done, I have put my dear children through countless Saturdays trying to get a handle on it all, I have thrown stuff out, taken on the twenty item challenge, I have poured out sweat and tears over this for years...

Yup, you guessed it, it all ended in just more mess!

So the other day I was on Pinerest and it is full of pins right now about getting organized.  I came across one- it promised to give the ONE THING that I needed to know to get my house in order!!!  I opened it up and it said....

FINISH WHAT YOU START!*

Really? Are you kidding me. Seriously?  This is your great advise!!???? 
Isn't that always the goal?  Do they not understand how crazy that is when you have children???

I closed my computer in disgust. How dare they make my struggle so simplistic. Finish what I start. Isn't that what I tried to do EVERY SINGLE DAY!? 

It bugged me for the next couple of days. Like really got under my skin, so I decided to prove it all wrong and I did this...

This is where it gets personal... 


I picked up my camera and started to take a look through the lens. After all a picture can't lie right?

My kitchen floor-
The wheat and flour left out after baking
two boxes from the recycling that was taken to the back door but not to the bin and mysteriously brought back to the kitchen... hmmm
a random hanger and receipt

The other side of the floor-
the broom that didn't get put back in the closet after my umteenth time of sweeping,
stuff from the cupboard the girls love to play in, a baby doll and a pot holder

Another box from the recycling, Christmas decorations that got taken down, but not put in their box in the storage room, which by the way, ended up scattered around the house before I got back to them... hmm

pens and pencils and scissors not put back into their drawers, yeah those drawers right there that you can't open!
papers and pictures, a movie and some miscellaneous toys that didn't get back down to the basement...

The smoke alarm that didn't get put back up after someone burnt the french fries, the cord from the phone, toys that need  to go down stairs,
Is that the screw driver we were looking for?
Pretty sure this shelf was pretty at one time

Front door- Shoes and boots that need to go into the closet, back packs, coats that didn't get hung up
(the closet is just to the right of this picture- closer to the door then the couch)
Really???

Laundry that is folded but didn't get put away, the same coats and a shirt to iron

A basket of clothes to be put away- made it to the room, but not the drawers, books that need to be put on the book shelf,.

toothbrushes that didn't make it to the drawer- yes the drawer right there, hair stuff not put in the box, yup that very box you see on the counter, multiple face clothes that might be clean??? but who is going to take that chance -lets just grab a new one...
And how many tubes of toothpaste does one bathroom need?

Okay so maybe there is something to this, UGH!
But how do you do it when you KNOW that you WILL be DISTRACTED?  The post went on to say that you should never start a job unless you know you can finish it.  Well that is liberating, I will never start anything EVER AGAIN!!!! WOOHOO!!!

Not so.

Here is my kitchen. I came in here just after putting the littles to bed. And having all of those pictures in my camera.  The kids weren't going to interrupt me, but the whole kitchen seemed big, and I was tired after a crazy day... maybe I could break it down a bit. The counter from the fridge to the corner, I could that...

The counter from the fridge to the corner- maple syrup that someone took out of the fridge to find something and didn't get it put away ( that is liquid gold people!), a random toy duck with a very annoying quack- so that is why it got "put up", a box of cookies that goes in the cupboard above the microwave- yes that microwave, a loaf of bread that goes in that corner cupboard that you can see- the one that is open. oh yeah!
decorations that need to go back up to replace the Christmas ones, candy from stockings and a jar- it is broken, but no one seems to have the heart to throw it out!
(What are we going to do with it???!!)

 I was able to do this quite quickly! So on to the next- the corner to the sink!

A glass from who knows when, 

This is the random stuff that came off that little corner shelf.  Who's toothbrush is that?
 Do those batteries even work?? 

Sink area!
I even cleaned out under the sink so I could put stuff away that belongs under there!

 Next: The sink to the corner. Then if I am tired I will go to bed...

That dang recycling is really starting to get on my nerves!
Old Christmas treats, clean dishes that no one really knows what to do with!

The corner... Happy Chickens tonight!! Out is goes- except for my brother's homemade nuts and bolts! Let's not be crazy!!
Had to clean out another cupboard so I could put that stone away. The broken shelf from the fridge is under the sink holding the soap and brushes!

There is no way I am going to bed now... I am so close to being done!!
Stove to corner!

Two failed loaves of bread- wild yeast is tricky- out to they go to the chickens!
Rice- two kinds WHY?
a dish that I got for Christmas that needs a home...

Compost bucket, more failed bread dough, failing wild yeast, cleaners I have been using but didn't get put away, a Christmas box.....

Two and a half hours later...
And here is the end result!!!

So much better, peaceful even!

I even cleaned the silver!

That is what I want to wake up to in the morning!!

Oh yeah it can be done, but can it be maintained by someone such as I???

Let's face it, I am a creative soul, I like to make a good mess all in the name of art! The quote at my front door is from Yours Mine Ours 
"Our home is for free expression, Not for first impressions" 
And I WILL NOT keep my children from messy play- it builds brains you know- seriously! 

Well it has been a week and it still looks like this! We have played with play dough, moon sand, sewn, painted and we do have to eat everyday!! I actually feel more creative!! 

My dear loved ones are a bit tired of hearing 
"If you haven't cleaned up,  the job isn't done"! 
"You aren't done eating lunch until I can't tell you did"
"You aren't done playing until the toys are put away"
"You aren't done doing your make up until the counter looks as beautiful as your face!"
"You aren't finished having a shower until the bathroom is clean too!"
"You aren't... Well you get the picture!

I am here to tell you that it works.  Sad, but true.  All this time I just needed to finish the job!!
Ugh. All of that wasted energy.

I love that it frees me up. Breaking a big job into smaller jobs frees me up to get started, only thinking about one job at a time frees me up to focus. and when it is done, 
I am free to do whatever I want!!!!!
I have found that my dear family is much happier cleaning up this kitchen after supper then the cluttered one. 
And best of all... It is spreading through out the house! Everyone is starting to see the beauty of it, that or they just don't want to hear "You aren't done until...."
Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter, I am just so happy it is working!

I hope you never waste time underestimating the simple... I won't! I think I might go and have a nap or create something!!!  Oh Happy Day!!


* I am trying to give credit where it is due, But there are actually quite a few pins that give this advice.  I am not sure which one was the one I read first (since I closed it quite quickly after reading it), but I will try to find it!