In 2000 my family's life changed forever. Our itinerary changed completely one beautiful summer day in July. I had mapped out my life up to that point. I knew where I came from and where I was going. I had 2 sweet children and another soon to join us. I would be half way to our goal of six. All I wanted to do was be a mom. Not just any mom, but the best mom.
That day in July as I headed to the hospital to have our son I had no idea how our lives were about to change. There was nothing along the way, no road signs to say that a detour was ahead, just a few bumps in the road. A fleeting thought that maybe something just wasn't right. But an appointment with my doctor would soon have my mind at ease and we would continue on.
So when we came to the sharp bend in the road I was unprepared.
The day arrived for one part of our journey to end as a new part began. I would be induced and soon be holding our little bundle of joy! but things were not unfolding as they should. So I was sent to a bigger center where the doctors would be able to take care of any emergency. I chose to take our van and have my dear husband drive me the 45 minutes into Lethbridge Alberta. We flew and as we hit the city limits I felt that I needed to push. We hit every green light. (A blessing) I was wheeled up to the delivery room and as the nurse checked my progress, panic began to build.
The baby's heart rate was very low and in a funny place and I was hemorrhaging. Calls were being made, an IV was started and I was quickly wheeled to the OR.
I don't remember the trip down the hall, but I do remember waiting what seemed forever for the anaesthesiologist. Then finally I was given the mask, breathed deeply and was asleep.

I awoke to my husband standing by my bed. I couldn't focus well. The nurse was straight with me. "You have had a baby boy, his is in the NICU, will soon be flown to Calgary and you have had a hystorectomy. I was out again.
In my room minutes...hours later? I'm not sure, they brought Jacob in to us. I couldn't sit up and they couldn't lower his isolette enough for me to see him but I held his little hand and they handed me two photos that they had taken. I still couldn't focus my eyes.
Jacob had his first airplane ride to the Calgary Foothills Hospital. Colin and I discussed what needed to be done. He would drive home pack a bag and head to Calgary to be with our boy. I was going to be transfered the next day so that I too could be with him. I fell asleep again.
In the morning I looked at two pictures of a sweet baby with tubes everywhere. The doctor who had delivered Jacob sat at the end of my bed shaking his head. He had no answers. It didn't make sense, but there it was. My family doctor called. My dear sister-in-law called. The ambulance guys arrived and I was taken to Calgary. Thank goodness for good drugs. It was not the smoothest ride!
When I arrived at the Foothills hospital, Colin was there along with his mother and many of Colin's brothers and sisters. My side of the family lived far away.
I lay in my bed with family all around me and the doctor came in to fill us in on Jacob's condition. Our itinary was being adjusted at every turn!
He likely has brain damage, he had 2 seizures at birth, so he is on medication for that. An EEG will be done, he is on oxygen, and an IV. But I could see him.
Colin took me to Jacob's floor, explained to me that I would have to scrub up and put on a gown before entering the NICU.
There is nothing that can prepare you for the moment that you see your new born child laying in an isolette attached to tubes and monitors. Or for the nurse to tell you that he seems to get irritated with soft touch. All I wanted to do was give snuggles and cuddles. Tell him that all would be well and that as his mom I would make everything okay again.
Within 11 days we were sent home. Jacob had Cerebral Palsy, to what degree was yet to be seen.
Although my eye sight came into focus very quickly after he was born, it would take me another 5 years or so before I would master changing my focus from the "what ifs", the "how comes" and the "why mes", to the "all is well" and "I am blessed"
It takes time, faith and healing, but I want you to know that it is possible and although there are still moments of frustration, they are out weighed by the joy and the love.

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