Sunday, August 7, 2016

Weakness

Confession, I am not as strong as I want people to believe I am and Sundays are my very worst day EVER!! 
I know they are suppose to be a day of rest, a day of worship, a day of rejuvenation, a day of service, a day of reconnecting and re covenanting with my dear Father in Heaven...
Here I sit as church about is about to start alone, at my kitchen table. My dear husband has come home from his morning meetings after a crazy phone call from his equally crazy wife, about a broken head rest on Jacob's chair and the extreme lack of allen keys in this house and why didn't he see that it needed to be fixed yesterday?? He has fixed the chair, gathered all of the children and taken them to church by himself. I know that this suppose to be a gesture of love and service to me, but instead it reiterates my feelings of weakness, uselessness and not enoughness.
Especially after spending the whole day yesterday on an adventure with a dear friend of mine. I should feel energized and ready to begin again. But I don't.
I wonder why?Why do I feel this way? Why are Sundays the worst? Why do I find it so easy to see all of my faults and so hard to see any of my strengths? Why?

I wonder if maybe Sunday's are so hard because there are so many expectations. I am suppose to get up in the morning to my Sunday ready home, kiss my dear husband good bye so he can happily be off to his early morning meetings. I get dressed in my beautiful Sunday best, Dress my children in their Sunday best, do their hair super cute- something from Pinterest perhaps, feed them yummy goodness, have beautiful reverent, spirit inviting music playing in the background, read over my Sunday school lesson, throw something yummy in the crock pot so we can eat when we come home, teach my dear children some wonderful story from the scriptures, prepare one of the sweet littles to give the opening prayer in primary, And arrive to church early so we can sit sweetly in our pew feeling the spirit with gentle smiles on our faces before the meetings begin!!!!

 Ah Lovely!

This is how my morning went... I awoke to our youngest crying and wanting out of her crib, soon followed by her brother and sister running up and down the hallway yelling and screaming and asking demanding something to eat, My dear husband got himself ready and kissed me goodbye with that look in his eye that lets me know he is just not sure I will be able to handle this!
I get up get everyone something to eat, send those who can off to dress themselves, I dress the youngest,she doesn't want a diaper or a pull up, she wants underwear, I give her underwear, they are dressed in everyday clothes cause I ain't no fool! I get Jacob up, discover his head rest is falling off, I look in the garage for the tools, I can't find them, I call my dear husband, he is sweet, I am frustrated, my mood spills over right through the phone to him! Hooray , I have ruined his morning, he is coming home... I feed Jacob in his bed while waiting. Our youngest is now naked running up and down the hallway, I get her dressed, I step in the puddle she has made, I clean it up, Dear oldest daughter is awake and upstairs to help? no, yell at me because she thinks I have looked at her funny and am somehow making a comment about how she looks, now she is not going to church, she tells me about her adventure the night before climbing through caves and hiking, she feels better and runs off to get ready for church, dear husband comes home, quickly finds the tools and fixes the chair, asks what is wrong, I mutter something about feeling inadequate and how Sunday's seem to hold up a mirror to my weaknesses, he says he will come back to help get everyone to church, I tell him I don't need his help, he gives me another look and leaves, I get the two year old dressed again, find the new puddle clean it up, try to put her in a diaper or pull up, wrestle to get a pull up on her, lose, put her in her bed until she puts the pull up on, hear the cries for a snack, get the snack, check on the two old, get her out, clean up the snack, get the two year old DRESSED AGAIN!!!! Dear oldest daughter leaves for church, work on filling the diaper bag, throw white shirts in the drier because ironing seems like too much work, find the boys ties, warm up leftovers for lunch, put youngest son in a time out for pinching his sister and to perhaps save his life, finish getting lunch ready, continue on getting the diaper bag ready, gather everyone around the table and feed them, they inhale and want more, I get them more, youngest son now wants the blue plate, has a melt down over the not getting the blue plate and doesn't think he has as many noodles as his sisters, get through lunch, wash everyone's faces and hands, find everyone's Sunday clothes, realize we don't have anything to take to church for snack, run out the trailer to get the sugar cereal, come in to find youngest son in his church clothes on his hands and knees on the garage floor checking the new bunnies, take him inside to see if I can save his Sunday pants, get the two year old DRESSED AGAIN, tie the boys ties, tie everyone's shoes, dear husband comes home to find me in my closet trying to find something to wear, I realize church starts in 15 minutes, he decides to take them all himself, I tell him he'll never be able to do it, he tells me he'll figure it out, I take it as an insult that I couldn't, he gives me that look again, he loads the children into the van, I collapse in the fetal position on my bed...

Yup!! True story of my great day, happy day, so proud of myself day!!!! 

UGH!

I am going to find some chocolate, perhaps take a nap or maybe watch Mom's night out, although to be honest I don't think I'm strong enough for that movie today!!! Maybe just the nap!

I know that I am not ending on some uplifting note, sometimes they take longer to come,plus I know you are still laughing about my morning, likely because you understand it! If you are not laughing and are now crying, I am sorry. Leave me a little comment below with your address and I will share my chocolate with you!! 

Take heart, this is but a tiny moment and great times are just ahead. Until then, hang in there have a good cry and know that you are loved! I hope to!



4 comments:

Dean Wray said...

Weakness, I know a thing or two. We're always hardest on ourselves
Your doing Marvelous!

Kara Benka said...

OH JENN - how I need to HUG YOU!!! My heart is hurting for you and I want to fly there immediately!!! I could picture everything you described and you left me speechless.... Comical?? Well maybe... but only if it was on some scary Mommy's Life comedy movie and not part of your actual life! YOU ARE ANYTHING BUT WEAK!!! I never would've made it through that morning alone! You persevered and you never gave up!! You took care of everyone before yourself and that is exactly what our Father in Heaven expects of us. I do not know anyone who lives the life of a disciple like you do!! Do you remember a long time ago when you shared a "cassette tape" with me and it was from your church?? I can't remember the name of the song but I am often helped by a few words from that song - I can't do everything, and when I try, I fall..... Today my friend you tried to do everything and I think you fell.... What now? How do we learn from this?? We breath, we pray, we give thanks for all that we have. You are so brave to share your "weakness" and don't even realize that to do this is oh so courageous and courage and bravery are STRENGTHS! We all fall and we learn more about ourselves and life in the process. Let's hope we never stop learning!! Please, please, please, reconsider trying to do everything. If you can't make it to church it's OK - to everything there is a season! Your Heaven Father adores you girl and all that you do - even cleaning up the pee puddles! I love you and miss you like crazy! Take care of you and all your strengths!!!

Lauren said...

I have to say it is comforting to read this article today. Sundays are my hardest day also. I believe Satan is working overtime on Sundays. Today I spent half of Sacrament meeting looking down at my family and instead of thinking about how beautiful they are and how blessed I am to have them in my life and how the Savior made it possible for us to all be together, all I could think about is the chocolate stains on the back of my husbands shirt, how we didn't even get socks let alone shoes on the youngest, I forgot to put makeup on, my son had muddy old shoes on and all three of my children's hair had not seen a hairbrush since the day before. I usually take Mondays to recover. Better Days ahead!!

Peggy said...

I saw a post the other day that said, A mothers job never ends, even after the spouse passes on, the children move away, retirement, and many other things. A mother is still there working hard and going on for her family, she never gets a break. That being said. I have been there and done that. Many blessings to you and your work as a mother.