A Good Reminder!!

Life has been a bit crazy the last few weeks. We have been getting ready for school, Mackenzie is starting college, Jacob is in 11 grade, My dear husband is back to work at the college (I love watching him and Kenzie head out the door every morning together!!) and we also received the sad/happy news that the littles are heading back home to be with their mother. I say sad/happy because it depends what end of the story you are on!
It really is a success story. One of the reasons we have foster care is to keep little ones safe but also to give the family the supports they need so that everyone can be reunited again. We have been able to be a part of this work, but I can not lie, our hearts are broken and we will have to take some time to heal and move forward.
That being said we have been blessed with a great feeling of peace and comfort that I know comes from our Father in Heaven. It is a miracle and I am grateful... it doesn't take away the sadness, but it does allow me to know that all is well.

Now the other reason I am posting today...
I received a comment on one of my posts wondering if I might be suffering from depression.
At first I just closed my computer and felt embarrassed that someone I don't know would think this. I wondered about my posts and have given it some real thought. 
I decided to publish the comment (still not sure why I have to approve each comment but I do) and I also want to share some of my thoughts!

First, I am grateful that he had the courage to bring it to my attention. We seem to have a hard time talking about depression and all mental illness. But it is an illness. I am pretty sure that my family and friends wouldn't have any trouble telling me to go to the doctor if they thought my arm was broken  or that I need antibiotics. Yet we do seem to tippy toe around this issue of  mental illness.

After Jacob was born I did struggle with depression- maybe postpartum, maybe from having my hopes and dreams shattered, maybe from complete exhaustion, both physically and mentally or maybe a combination of all of the above. I remember being in the passenger's seat of our van with my dear family driving over a crazy, scary pass in the mountains. I put my head against my window looking down at the great drop off, one I find quite terrifying today, and thought 
"hmm if we just slipped off the edge I wouldn't be so tired anymore."
I didn't want to grab the wheel and make this happen, but I think you can agree that this was not a healthy thought. 
I am grateful that I had both family and friends that could see that I was sliding and struggling and helped me to get the medical help I needed. I was able see my doctor and get the medication I needed and the counselling I needed to help bring me out of that scary place.
For me, I was able to eventually come off of the antidepressants and stay off them. I know that this doesn't happen for everyone, but that is not weakness.  I believe that my depression was from the circumstances that I was in. It felt to me that the medication brought me out a great hole to level ground. I was then able to deal with my emotions around what had happened and to find my purpose again. I will be forever grateful that the medication was there to bring me to that point.
Not all depression is the same. Some will need to be treated a lot longer then mine did. Some will need to be treat for life. I wish that we could all see this as okay. I have a dear friend who takes medication every day to help her regulate her insulin levels. I would never tell her or expect her to "toughen up" and try to do it on her own. That would be absurd! Yet it seem that the goal with mental illness is get off of the meds no matter what the circumstances... Why?

I remember sitting at at a friends house playing games. The topic of depression came up and the mother of one of my friends said to another woman her same age, "I wish I had known I could have used depression as an excuse when we were having children." they both laughed. Maybe incidences like this make us think that we should feel less than others, weak, foolish or  that it is all just in our heads- it is not!
I can guarantee that neither one of these ladies had ever suffered from depression. It is not something that can be laughed away, snapped out of, nor is it an excuse. I don't even know what that means. It is real. It takes the proper help to deal with it and it is an illness, just like diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, heart disease... and it can and does kill. 
We need to take it seriously and never make someone living with it feel that if they would just do ABC and D they could get themselves over it. 

Now that all being said, I am confident that I am not suffering from depression at this time. I have had a few hard days that I have shared, I am very sad that our lives are being affected by these crazy changes right now, but I do feel great peace, hope and comfort. .
I also need to remember to share more of the happy days. But my goal is always to be real. Sometimes I can get off of reading facebook posts and blog posts and feel like I must be doing something wrong cause my life just doesn't seem to be as rosy as everyone else's. Is that just me?
My life is messy, it is messy and crazy, it is sometimes hard, and there are days I just want to run away to a little cabin just outside of some cute little country town, where I can bike in for some groceries that I can put into my little basket on the front of my bike, where my back yard is the ocean, where I can sit on my little adirondack chair sipping peppermint tea, watching the sunset and listening to the waves roll in... (hmm one might think I have given this some thought..)
But I love my life! I love all that I am learning. I love knowing that I can do hard things- I don't always like to, but I know that I can! I love that I have been blessed with an incredible family, amazing friends, my health, a beautiful part of the world to call home and the knowledge that I am loved and that I am enough! Life is Good! 

I hope that you have a GOOD day! I plan to!

And thank you Bryan!

Weakness

Confession, I am not as strong as I want people to believe I am and Sundays are my very worst day EVER!! 
I know they are suppose to be a day of rest, a day of worship, a day of rejuvenation, a day of service, a day of reconnecting and re covenanting with my dear Father in Heaven...
Here I sit as church about is about to start alone, at my kitchen table. My dear husband has come home from his morning meetings after a crazy phone call from his equally crazy wife, about a broken head rest on Jacob's chair and the extreme lack of allen keys in this house and why didn't he see that it needed to be fixed yesterday?? He has fixed the chair, gathered all of the children and taken them to church by himself. I know that this suppose to be a gesture of love and service to me, but instead it reiterates my feelings of weakness, uselessness and not enoughness.
Especially after spending the whole day yesterday on an adventure with a dear friend of mine. I should feel energized and ready to begin again. But I don't.
I wonder why?Why do I feel this way? Why are Sundays the worst? Why do I find it so easy to see all of my faults and so hard to see any of my strengths? Why?

I wonder if maybe Sunday's are so hard because there are so many expectations. I am suppose to get up in the morning to my Sunday ready home, kiss my dear husband good bye so he can happily be off to his early morning meetings. I get dressed in my beautiful Sunday best, Dress my children in their Sunday best, do their hair super cute- something from Pinterest perhaps, feed them yummy goodness, have beautiful reverent, spirit inviting music playing in the background, read over my Sunday school lesson, throw something yummy in the crock pot so we can eat when we come home, teach my dear children some wonderful story from the scriptures, prepare one of the sweet littles to give the opening prayer in primary, And arrive to church early so we can sit sweetly in our pew feeling the spirit with gentle smiles on our faces before the meetings begin!!!!

 Ah Lovely!

This is how my morning went... I awoke to our youngest crying and wanting out of her crib, soon followed by her brother and sister running up and down the hallway yelling and screaming and asking demanding something to eat, My dear husband got himself ready and kissed me goodbye with that look in his eye that lets me know he is just not sure I will be able to handle this!
I get up get everyone something to eat, send those who can off to dress themselves, I dress the youngest,she doesn't want a diaper or a pull up, she wants underwear, I give her underwear, they are dressed in everyday clothes cause I ain't no fool! I get Jacob up, discover his head rest is falling off, I look in the garage for the tools, I can't find them, I call my dear husband, he is sweet, I am frustrated, my mood spills over right through the phone to him! Hooray , I have ruined his morning, he is coming home... I feed Jacob in his bed while waiting. Our youngest is now naked running up and down the hallway, I get her dressed, I step in the puddle she has made, I clean it up, Dear oldest daughter is awake and upstairs to help? no, yell at me because she thinks I have looked at her funny and am somehow making a comment about how she looks, now she is not going to church, she tells me about her adventure the night before climbing through caves and hiking, she feels better and runs off to get ready for church, dear husband comes home, quickly finds the tools and fixes the chair, asks what is wrong, I mutter something about feeling inadequate and how Sunday's seem to hold up a mirror to my weaknesses, he says he will come back to help get everyone to church, I tell him I don't need his help, he gives me another look and leaves, I get the two year old dressed again, find the new puddle clean it up, try to put her in a diaper or pull up, wrestle to get a pull up on her, lose, put her in her bed until she puts the pull up on, hear the cries for a snack, get the snack, check on the two old, get her out, clean up the snack, get the two year old DRESSED AGAIN!!!! Dear oldest daughter leaves for church, work on filling the diaper bag, throw white shirts in the drier because ironing seems like too much work, find the boys ties, warm up leftovers for lunch, put youngest son in a time out for pinching his sister and to perhaps save his life, finish getting lunch ready, continue on getting the diaper bag ready, gather everyone around the table and feed them, they inhale and want more, I get them more, youngest son now wants the blue plate, has a melt down over the not getting the blue plate and doesn't think he has as many noodles as his sisters, get through lunch, wash everyone's faces and hands, find everyone's Sunday clothes, realize we don't have anything to take to church for snack, run out the trailer to get the sugar cereal, come in to find youngest son in his church clothes on his hands and knees on the garage floor checking the new bunnies, take him inside to see if I can save his Sunday pants, get the two year old DRESSED AGAIN, tie the boys ties, tie everyone's shoes, dear husband comes home to find me in my closet trying to find something to wear, I realize church starts in 15 minutes, he decides to take them all himself, I tell him he'll never be able to do it, he tells me he'll figure it out, I take it as an insult that I couldn't, he gives me that look again, he loads the children into the van, I collapse in the fetal position on my bed...

Yup!! True story of my great day, happy day, so proud of myself day!!!! 

UGH!

I am going to find some chocolate, perhaps take a nap or maybe watch Mom's night out, although to be honest I don't think I'm strong enough for that movie today!!! Maybe just the nap!

I know that I am not ending on some uplifting note, sometimes they take longer to come,plus I know you are still laughing about my morning, likely because you understand it! If you are not laughing and are now crying, I am sorry. Leave me a little comment below with your address and I will share my chocolate with you!! 

Take heart, this is but a tiny moment and great times are just ahead. Until then, hang in there have a good cry and know that you are loved! I hope to!

Change!

And once again our lives are changing!  
I actually love change. Too long in one "spot" seems to leave me dreaming of something new! Maybe that is why we have moved around so much.
This time we are not moving away. It is our children who are making all of the changes!

Leaving for the MTC! 

We have just arrived home from dropping our dear son, Nathan, off in Provo Utah at the Mission Training Center. He will be there for a few weeks before heading off to Halifax where he will serve a two year mission for our church. Although we have been planning this for years, it was still hard to drop him off and drive away.  I am grateful for emails and happy news that he is doing well and not homesick at all!

Saying good bye

Our dear Mackenzie is starting the countdown for high school graduation. She is making summer plans that don't include anything on my big brown paper summer calendar that I make every year. Instead she is planning her own adventures with her friends. Then she will be off to college and maybe a mission of her own!
I am excited to see her branch out and explore her world. This is what I have been working on their whole lives~ getting them ready to make it on their own,  But boy oh boy, it is hard to be left behind. I wonder and hope that I have given them the tools they will need to be happy and successful!

It could be 3 1/2 years before they see each other again!
 Glad to know they will miss each other!!

Even our dear Jacob is making plans without me and is excited for his own adventures.  He will be 16 in a few weeks and is planning his first date with a sweet girl. They will be double dating with his dear sister and her date.  He was very clear with us that a double date with mom and dad is just NOT cool!! Whaat???

There are always many changes with the "Littles". Our five year old is finished with preschool and getting ready for kindergarten. He is need of a bigger bike and we are even talking about taking off the training wheels! Our 2 and 3 year old are working on mastering the potty. Their favorite words these days are "Me do it" and "I do it myself"! 

All of these changes are wonderful, positive, exciting and expected.  I am grateful to be the mom and to have a front row seat to watching it all unfold!
I will still take out the big roll of brown paper, draw on some calendars, make some plans, fill in the days and go on my own adventures with whoever will come with with me. Maybe some geocaching, a trip to the zoo, swimming lessons and a hike in the mountains!  We will continue to make more memories but I will always cherish the memories of years gone by!

He didn't even look back!!
Love this guy!

 I hope you enjoy the changes of your day!  I plan to!

On the Lord's Errand!

It is Sunday.  Most Sunday's find me sitting with my dear family in a pew at church, usually struggling to keep our little brood quiet and together.
But today I am home with Jacob and one of the Littles who are not feeling well. The house is quiet because everyone is cozed into their beds for a needed rest.
As an attempt to make my Sabbath day a bit more spiritual, I have been watching some wonderful videos on lds.org. Usually I love to do this. I find it helps motivate me to do better, to strive to follow God's plan for me.  But as I began to watch On the Lord's Errand , I couldn't help but wonder if I am following the path that the Lord has set out for me? Am I doing enough? Am I on the Lord's Errand?  
Just at that moment I glanced over at a plate sitting on the table next to me, with the left over bits of a peanut butter and Jelly sandwich.  I couldn't help remembering being in the hospital just after Jacob was born. He was only in the hospital for 11 days, so short compared to some little ones who come into this world fighting to be here. But they were the longest 11 days of my life.  
I had 2 other little ones waiting for me at home and although I knew they were being well cared for, I remember yearning to be back home, in my kitchen doing something "normal" like making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!  

I have made many sandwiches since that day and I am so grateful to have done so!  It is mundane and repetitive, but it is filling the needs of my dear sweet family! 
No, I am not out serving all of my neighbours everyday, I do not hold a "big important" calling in my church right now where I am asked to sacrifice tons of my time and energy.   

But, I am a Mom! I get to help raise these sweet, amazing little ones into amazing, talented, productive big people!!  
It is so easy to forget that the service we provide in our own homes is just as important- maybe even more important then the  service we provide outside of our homes.  It doesn't often get much recognition, and I am pretty sure no one will be asking to make a video of my life, but that is not what matters.

What matters is that I AM living the life that the Lord wants me to live. I am right where He wants me to be. I know that He is aware of me and my little family. I know that He cares about what I am doing because He helps me on a daily basis. I am grateful for the path that I am on and I am grateful for all of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I have had the privilege to make in my life, and the reminder they are to me that I am enough!!

I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!  I am!

To Everything There is an Opposite...

It has only been 5 days of taking a daily picture. And although they may not be gallery worthy, I am learning so much already.  It is interesting to spend time looking for those things that are photo worthy.  So far it seems to be the normal everyday things that I feel compelled to capture.
This is making me realize that life is pretty darn good! Yes I have messes, nights of very little sleep, dishes in my sink, daily tantrums- the kids too, scheduling conflicts, runny noses to wipe, mountains of laundry, repair man who don't show up, toilets that break, little ones running fevers and Christmas decorations needing to be put away... that is just this week!
But mixed up in all of this... chaos is so much joy.  Joy in the snuggles, the giggles, the little successes of each day.  Watching the wonder in the eyes of a little one discovering the sparkles in the snow, discovering that all of our hard work is paying off and that the children really do love each other as we witness them serving one another, loving the little moments of peace that come when we need them most.  
I believe that there is so much truth in the need for balance and opposites. We have to have the mess to appreciate the tidy, the tantrum to enjoy the smiles, crowds to love the solitude, noise to notice the quiet.
Today I am enjoy some time alone as the children and dear husband are all off on their various adventures. The house is quiet, I am sitting down to eat my breakfast! It wasn't that long ago that this was a regular occurrence and my heart yearned for a bit more purpose, my arms ached to be a bit more full.  Because I had those days, I can love today, I can feel gratitude for all of it! Yes, life is good!

I hope you have time to enjoy the opposites in your day... I hear the children coming home, I know I will!! 

We Interupt our Regular Scheduled Programing! -A Bucket List Glitch!

Today should be a bucket list post and although I am working on it, it is proving to be more difficult then I had hoped.

So I thought I would share one of our Summer adventures instead. In a way it is a bucket list item... Jacob had wanted to go camping just the two of us for a couple of summer now. He seems to have had the hardest time adjusting to the littles in our home. Going from being the youngest to the 'big brother' of 3 is a huge adjustment!! One that he has done well with, but he was in great need of some one on one mom time!
With Jacob getting so big, camping in a tent seems just about impossible. But he doesn't like to be left out and I so wanted to fill this seemingly easy request.  Then I remembered being told of  a camp ground with cabins in Kananaskis country right here in Alberta. 
The William Watson Lodge!
It is a true blessing.  Each building has four "cabins" or units. Each unit is fully accessible. The bathroom, the kitchen counters and sink (My 15 year old was so excited to be able to wash the dishes for the first time!), the table, tracking in the ceiling for those who use it. All of the biking trails and walking trails are wheel chair accessible too- no roots to bounce over. A gem only a few hours away!!
So we made a call, booked a cabin, packed up the van and away we went!
(You have to have a priority number assigned to you before you can book. This requires filling out some paperwork and waiting to get it back to you)

Lunch on the road! We were packed to the gills for a four day trip!!
The bike, the bike trailer, art supplies, food, bedding...

We stopped a couple of times on the way there. He is so excited!

Beds are made!
Jacob Loved sharing a room.
It was a wonderful cabin that we stayed in!

Getting ready for our first of many bike rides!  I love our Wiki bike trailer. 
So does Jacob!
He did just about kill me!  We were in the mountains after all and it was up hill one way or the other! 

Getting book covers ready for binding!
(More on this in our next post!)

It was so beautiful! 

The view from Jacob's chair.
(This was a trail off of the lodges property - not wheel chair friendly.)
It was so wonderful to have accessibility wherever we went!

I love that smile my dear boy!!
We live in such an amazing part of the world!



"I told you it would be good Mom"

I told Jacob we could eat outside and have a picnic one evening.  I let him pick the spot. He said 'No' to many and then found this one. 
The look on his face says it all!  He was very impressed with himself!
Ah look at that view! Good pick Jacob!

Joy was felt by all!

I am so blessed to be this boys mom. I love that he wants to hang out with me!  He makes me laugh everyday and brings such joy into our world.
I love having one on one time with each one of my children. It gives us time to step out of our crazy lives and reconnect. I think it is so important. Not that is has to be 4 days away in the mountains, although I highly recommend it! But date night every once in a while can do the same thing.
Lets face it, it is easy to get so caught up in the hard parts of parenthood- discipline, homework, schedules, appointments, and just plain focusing on the difficulties and forget why we wanted to have these children in our lives in the first place! It is so important to have time where happy memories can be created for all of us!
I love being a Mom!!
Hope you can give the little ones in your life some time today, I plan to!

We are Further Ahead Than We Feel

I opened up my blog this morning wondering what I would write about. So many thoughts going through my mind, but none of them seem complete or enough to fill a post.  I am also feeling a bit discouraged with the progress I am making with my ideals. Limiting screen time is proving to be harder then I thought it would be and funny, but the members of my family are determined to use their own agency and not follow everything I want them to do...hmm
Then I gazed over at my 101 goals down the side and noticed an amazing thing! There staring me right in the face are 3 goals all accomplished and I didn't even realize it!
As a parent I often feel like I am always playing catch up~ with house work, laundry, scrap books, laundry, meal prep, teaching important lessons to my children,  laundry, losing those "last" 25 lbs., giving my children enough quality time and there is ALWAYS laundry... in most aspects of my daily life I feel like I am constantly running behind.
I think I have mentioned it before but one of my favourite books is Mitten Strings for God by Katrina Kenison. I like to read it every few years just to help me refocus on what is important and where I need to be placing my time and energy. 
This work that I am doing as a mom is so important. There isn't anything else that fills this space for me. I had about 14 years of trying to fill the hole I felt in my heart before we opened our door to these sweet "Littles".  Now it is full to over flowing and I am content and happy.
BUT that does Not mean it is easy and unless we are looking it is hard to feel very accomplished. Let's face it many a morning my hair doesn't get brushed until... well I have to leave the house. (Some days that is not at all!). Many times I realize way too late that I have goopy hand prints on the front of my shirt where some little one has reached up to get my attention. Quite often the music going around in my head is Wheels on the bus or the theme song from the big Purple dinosaur and Not something from the latest record charts. And as I am writing this, every door knob in my house is sticky or crusted over and there are dishes in my sink...
But I spent a little extra time this morning giving warm snuggles to a little one just waking up, I helped trace little hands with purple crayon on sheets of paper, I listened to my Dear Mackenzie share her plans for the day, I looked through a book order form with a sweet boy and got excited about his favourites, I helped the "Littles" clean up a big jar of buttons and enjoyed finding ones that were sparkly or a favourite colour and remembered the joy of looking through my grandma's button jar. I have enjoyed arms being wrapped around my neck in hugs and kisses and witnessed big smiles and giggles...
So Maybe, just maybe I am not as far behind as I thought!

I hope you enjoy finding the accomplishments in your day, I plan to!

New Beginnings!

There has been so much going on I don't even know where to begin.
Much of my time has been consumed with being a mom!  I LOVE being a mom and find so much joy in watching these little... and not so little ones, grow and learn. 
Nathan has graduated from high school... I am so not ready for this but ready or not it is happening.  I did have the joy of travelling with him to the Grand Canyon and Arizona- an adventure I will cherish forever. Now he is doing his best to navigate his way through making his own dreams come true!
Our dear Mackenzie is on a grand adventure of her own... in Europe!  A world traveller... wonder where that came from!!  
It has been amazing to hear about all of her exciting moments half way around the world.  In fact I am hopeful that I can figure out how to have her do a few posts of her own.
Jacob has been doing so dreaming of his own!  I have added a new page- Project: Bucket List.  For all of the details check it out! 
He has also used his PODD book (a book used in communication) to let me know that he wants to do what the others are doing. So we are off on an adventure of our own- a camping trip to the William Watson Lodge. I will fill you in as it happens. I love that he knows what he wants and is finding a way to let us know.
The other little ones are having adventures of their own. Lots of summer fun.  Watching them discover new skills like graduating from a tricycle, learning to love water and climb stairs is a delight. I find myself enjoying every moment I am blessed to be with them.
 
I even had the opportunity to get away on a journey of my own with my dear Husband in May. Exploring Greece and Venice was amazing... a check on my own bucket list! 

And that about sums up the whirl wind of our past year. I am excited to be back and ready to begin again!  I love new beginnings, fresh starts! 
I hope you will come along with us and begin again on this grand adventure!

Hey It's All About You!

I just spent a wonderful afternoon with a dear friend.  She is one I can share my dreams and aspirations with, she will listen to my ramblings and my grumblings and still loves me.  She is a true friend.  I am so grateful for her.
She invited me to attend a luncheon with her where we listened to a presentation on brain development and how children's brains are affected by toxic stress and about the importance of nurturing relationships in the healthy development of our little ones.  What we once thought to be so is changing.  We are understanding more and more on the amazing abilities of our minds.
That was very exciting and I enjoyed the yummy lunch (best crème brule I have ever had!) but the real fun came in getting dressed in "grown up" clothes- no goop or stains. And enjoying the company of other adults. Adults I look up to as leading in their fields AND some of them even knew my name!  Yup it was a great afternoon! 
Then as I was leaving I realized something even more astonishing.  The reason that all of those people where gathered together talking about early childhood and brain development was because they are trying to help grow happy, healthier FAMILIES!  Guess who is at the heart and soul of that...yup you guessed it us parents.  Me the Mom!  They were all there sharing what they knew to help me be a better mother to my dear children. 
Isn't it funny how we (Maybe you don't) think that parenthood is less then dressing up in "grown up" clothes, having fancy meals, having adult conversations and contributing to the "real" world?  I am hear to tell you that today I discovered that the "real" world exists so that families can be happy, healthy and together.  Is this a bold statement? Maybe, but take a look at it with me.  Farmers and grocery stores~ so I can feed my children; teachers and schools~ to help me educate my children; wind turbine technicians and other power companies~ so I can keep my children warm and comfortable; amusement parks~ for our entertainment and to help build memories; photographers, hair dressers, fashion designers, pilots... Yup all to help the family look good, be together and capture memories. I am sure that you could come up with some profession that doesn't directly tie into keeping the family happy, healthy and together, but I would suggest that those exist because of the lack of family togetherness, good health and happiness. So if you are a parent and you have a day where the baby won't stop crying, you are covered in goop that you can't identify and you wonder if you will ever stop sticking to the floor and you ask your self why? Just remember you are doing the most important work there is to do! Have a wonderful goopy day! I plan to! Here is the link to the family wellness initiative. They put on the seminar! www.albertfamilywellness.org