A Good Reminder!!

Life has been a bit crazy the last few weeks. We have been getting ready for school, Mackenzie is starting college, Jacob is in 11 grade, My dear husband is back to work at the college (I love watching him and Kenzie head out the door every morning together!!) and we also received the sad/happy news that the littles are heading back home to be with their mother. I say sad/happy because it depends what end of the story you are on!
It really is a success story. One of the reasons we have foster care is to keep little ones safe but also to give the family the supports they need so that everyone can be reunited again. We have been able to be a part of this work, but I can not lie, our hearts are broken and we will have to take some time to heal and move forward.
That being said we have been blessed with a great feeling of peace and comfort that I know comes from our Father in Heaven. It is a miracle and I am grateful... it doesn't take away the sadness, but it does allow me to know that all is well.

Now the other reason I am posting today...
I received a comment on one of my posts wondering if I might be suffering from depression.
At first I just closed my computer and felt embarrassed that someone I don't know would think this. I wondered about my posts and have given it some real thought. 
I decided to publish the comment (still not sure why I have to approve each comment but I do) and I also want to share some of my thoughts!

First, I am grateful that he had the courage to bring it to my attention. We seem to have a hard time talking about depression and all mental illness. But it is an illness. I am pretty sure that my family and friends wouldn't have any trouble telling me to go to the doctor if they thought my arm was broken  or that I need antibiotics. Yet we do seem to tippy toe around this issue of  mental illness.

After Jacob was born I did struggle with depression- maybe postpartum, maybe from having my hopes and dreams shattered, maybe from complete exhaustion, both physically and mentally or maybe a combination of all of the above. I remember being in the passenger's seat of our van with my dear family driving over a crazy, scary pass in the mountains. I put my head against my window looking down at the great drop off, one I find quite terrifying today, and thought 
"hmm if we just slipped off the edge I wouldn't be so tired anymore."
I didn't want to grab the wheel and make this happen, but I think you can agree that this was not a healthy thought. 
I am grateful that I had both family and friends that could see that I was sliding and struggling and helped me to get the medical help I needed. I was able see my doctor and get the medication I needed and the counselling I needed to help bring me out of that scary place.
For me, I was able to eventually come off of the antidepressants and stay off them. I know that this doesn't happen for everyone, but that is not weakness.  I believe that my depression was from the circumstances that I was in. It felt to me that the medication brought me out a great hole to level ground. I was then able to deal with my emotions around what had happened and to find my purpose again. I will be forever grateful that the medication was there to bring me to that point.
Not all depression is the same. Some will need to be treated a lot longer then mine did. Some will need to be treat for life. I wish that we could all see this as okay. I have a dear friend who takes medication every day to help her regulate her insulin levels. I would never tell her or expect her to "toughen up" and try to do it on her own. That would be absurd! Yet it seem that the goal with mental illness is get off of the meds no matter what the circumstances... Why?

I remember sitting at at a friends house playing games. The topic of depression came up and the mother of one of my friends said to another woman her same age, "I wish I had known I could have used depression as an excuse when we were having children." they both laughed. Maybe incidences like this make us think that we should feel less than others, weak, foolish or  that it is all just in our heads- it is not!
I can guarantee that neither one of these ladies had ever suffered from depression. It is not something that can be laughed away, snapped out of, nor is it an excuse. I don't even know what that means. It is real. It takes the proper help to deal with it and it is an illness, just like diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure, heart disease... and it can and does kill. 
We need to take it seriously and never make someone living with it feel that if they would just do ABC and D they could get themselves over it. 

Now that all being said, I am confident that I am not suffering from depression at this time. I have had a few hard days that I have shared, I am very sad that our lives are being affected by these crazy changes right now, but I do feel great peace, hope and comfort. .
I also need to remember to share more of the happy days. But my goal is always to be real. Sometimes I can get off of reading facebook posts and blog posts and feel like I must be doing something wrong cause my life just doesn't seem to be as rosy as everyone else's. Is that just me?
My life is messy, it is messy and crazy, it is sometimes hard, and there are days I just want to run away to a little cabin just outside of some cute little country town, where I can bike in for some groceries that I can put into my little basket on the front of my bike, where my back yard is the ocean, where I can sit on my little adirondack chair sipping peppermint tea, watching the sunset and listening to the waves roll in... (hmm one might think I have given this some thought..)
But I love my life! I love all that I am learning. I love knowing that I can do hard things- I don't always like to, but I know that I can! I love that I have been blessed with an incredible family, amazing friends, my health, a beautiful part of the world to call home and the knowledge that I am loved and that I am enough! Life is Good! 

I hope that you have a GOOD day! I plan to!

And thank you Bryan!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Part 2

I love having the school year end so my little chicks can be home and have a break from the  routines and structure, but I also love having school start so that we can get back into routine and structure! I'm such a fickle mom!
Today is the first full day of school.  Yesterday they went to pick up their schedules and get a locker.  They were home by lunch time! I still managed to get some grape juice canned and find my kitchen, but there is still a ton to do to regain order and control!  I am looking forward to it!
Aww control... Back to school also brings adjustments with Jacob's schedule. Feeding him before 10:00 am, getting him to bed on time so he can get up in the morning and figuring out his day at school.  We have a wonderful school to work with!  The administration, teachers, bus drivers, EA's (educational Aides) and students are amazing to listen and work through what needs looking at.  I am grateful.  But I always find myself debating over what to bring up and what to let go.  I have come to see that I like to have control and it is the most difficult when it comes to my children~ especially Jacob who can't speak up for himself.  (Although yesterday when we were talking about having him eat lunch in the cafeteria he let us know with out a doubt that he did NOT want that to happen!)
My goal is always to be a part of a working team trying to do what is best for Jacob and those working with him.  I never want to be the cranky mother pounding my fist on the table making demands, (I haven't found that to be very effective) but there is a fine balance between what to fight for and what to let go.  Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don't.  I am grateful for the patience of others.
It is one part of being Jacob's mom that always keeps me guessing and I don't always like being that person who has to rock the boat. But lets face it, sometimes we don't get very far with out a few waves!  I hope that I am getting better at letting others have a turn at the ores. That's what this journey with Jacob seems to be about, learning and growing.  Some times it can be painful, but for the most part it is a beautiful experience! One that I appreciate everyday!
I hope you have  beautiful day, I plan to!

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All Is Well!

I have been away for a bit.  The end of March landed us in the Alberta Children's Hospital with our dear Jacob.  What we thought was the flu was quickly re diagnosed as a bowel obstruction.  Surgery was done and after two and a half weeks we were sent home.  I had my computer with me and had thought I would blog and keep everyone up to date, but every time I tried to write, nothing would come.  So I took a break. 

Jacob is back to school and although we are having a few issues with feeds, he is back to his happy, cheerful self.  He has been back to school for a couple of weeks.
It took me a couple of weeks to be able to put a clear sentence together and catch up of the lack of sleep.  A hospital is not a place to rest.  Although I understand it, it was still hard to handle having Jacob just drift off to sleep only to have a group of nurses enter the room to do safety checks and take vitals.  I have to admit I got testy a time or two. 
Can I just say we had amazing nurses!!! There were two that were a bit harder to take, one spoke to us like we were idiots.  I don't do so well with that, but she was on when Jacob came back from surgery and I was so grateful!  He had a bit of a scare and she knew her stuff!  I was glad she was there leading the way.  The other was new and needed a little reminding that the enema water should be body temperature, not tea temperature!  My confidence in her was shot after that and that was tricky.  But we had nurses that fought our battles for us, reminding cleaning staff that sleep was more important then washing the floor, talked to doctors to make needed changes and some who listened to a sleep deprived, fearful mother and gave the comfort and reasoning needed.  All treated Jacob like their own and he received the best care! Those amazing people who decide to use there time and talents caring for others, I am so grateful!  Thank You All!
We had amazing family and friends help in so many ways too!  Some brought meals, treats, conversation, others brought hugs, my children, hope, relief, socks, clean laundry and all brought love and comfort! 

I learned a few things through this experience too. 

• Always trust your instincts. A parent knows their child better then anyone. You need to advocate!
• I need a video of Jacob's "normal".  Jacob gets very quiet and withdrawn when he is in pain and it would have been good to have an example of what the norm is.  That way those caring for him would know he really wasn't handling the pain well.
• Always pack lots of cozy socks!
• The parent bed is chilly!  Take your own blanket. (But oh thank goodness it was there!)
• There is comfort in your own pillow too!
• Taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for your child!  If you crash, everyone is in trouble!
• I can go without sleep better then I thought!
• Everyone handles these things differently and we should NEVER judge!
• We are stronger than we think!

I am so thankful that Jacob is happy and well once more!  I am grateful I live in a place where health care is easily accessed and comfortable.  And amazingly enough, I am grateful for all that I have learned through this experience. 
 
I hope you have a healthy day!  I hope to.